[CHAPTER 12]

[Why Some Friendships Naturally Fade] Here’s what happened.

One of the most fun times in my life was when I was a young mom of three. We lived in a neighborhood with a huge group of friends, and were all raising our kids together, hanging out with each other, and building a really incredible community.

We all had kids the same age who went to the same public elementary school. It was one of the most social and fun periods of my life, because we were bumping into our friends all the time because of the kids, school, and their schedules overlapping. I honestly felt like I was back in high school again with constant plans, invitations, and groups of people to hang out with.

There were two couples in particular that we grew very close to, and we did tons of things together with our kids—going away for the weekend, Halloween trick-or-treating, coaching Saturday morning town soccer, Sunday brunches, football parties, barbecuing all the time, you name it.

Chris and I were genuinely happy. It felt like pure luck that we had moved into a suburban town not knowing anyone, and truly struck gold because we met so many amazing couples who we loved spending time with—and our kids loved their kids too! It was too good to be true.

At the same time, one of our closest friends was living in a different state and always remarked on how jealous they were of our community and our large, fun circle of friends. We thought that the only way things could get better was if they moved with their kids to our town too.

So Chris and I started encouraging them: “You’ve got to move here!”

And so they did. In fact, they bought a house right across the street from the two couples that we did everything with. At first, I was SO excited. Imagine this—one of your closest friends not only moves to your town, but lives on the same street, and is becoming neighbors, with your current two best family friends! We lived a five-minute drive away—it was perfect!

So naturally, I expected it was going to be one big block party: All four families together all the time. Now, in the beginning, it was just as I’d hoped. They’d call us and invite us to drive over and join in on the random weeknight dinners. But then over time, something really unexpected started to happen. The invitations became fewer and fewer. And what became apparent was that the three families were hanging out without us. . . all the time.

Looking back, I now understand that of course they would be. Proximity matters. They lived across the street from one another. They could wave to each other from their front doors. They all had kids the same age who took the bus together and carpooled to sports together every single day.

And looking back on this, I get it. It wasn’t personal at all. When you’re standing next to somebody waiting for your kids to get off the bus, you naturally turn and ask, “What are you guys doing tonight? Want to come over for dinner?”

It makes total sense that they would all become best friends! And they are allowed to! But for me, my experience was watching this Atlanta couple ultimately and unapologetically take what I thought was our place in the friend group. And I didn’t handle it well.

I Was Horrible

I did what most people do when they feel threatened or excluded, because I didn’t understand adult friendship. I found myself consumed with jealousy and anger.That used to be us, I thought. Theystole our friend group. And as soon as my energy shifted toward them, everything changed.

At first, I wanted to be fun, friendly, and carefree around them, so the situation would change back to the way it was. But whenever I thought about the situation, or saw them, it was as if a demon took over my mind, body, and spirit.

I could not control my feelings. I was cold and bitter. My energy was off, and everyone could feel it. Chris could feel it. The three couples could feel it. And even friends in the wider group of families could feel it too. I was a complete bitch, even though I didn’t want to be. I tried to not think about it, but any given weeknight, while we were at home eating spaghetti at the dining room table, our friends were all together grilling out in the backyard. It burned me up inside.

I’m embarrassed about how I felt and acted and how petty and insecure I was. But at this point in my life, I didn’t understand my emotions or how to manage them. I didn’t have the Let Them Theory. I became a walking friendship red flag.

If I saw any of the six of them at a Saturday morning soccer game, a school meeting, or a cocktail party, or the grocery store, I would feel so stressed. I wanted to be normal. I liked these people and wanted things to change. But I had no idea how to deal with my feelings.

I couldn’t control myself. My tone of voice would shift. My arms would cross. And, while I didn’t want to feel the way that I did, I had no idea how to change it. I don’t think anyone purposefully excluded me or Chris.

And now, when I reflect back, I can see the situation for what it was. I can see how angry and jealous I was. I wouldn’t want me at a barbecue either. I wouldn’t want my negative energy there. It’s a miracle we got invited anywhere at that point in my life!

My poor husband. It didn’t bother him that the dynamic in the friend group had changed. He didn’t take anything personally. But I just couldn’t change how I felt. It’s still deeply painful and personal to talk about even now, and I take full responsibility for my lack of maturity and toxic behavior. I was acting like a child. One minute I was pouting, the next minute I was pretending like I didn’t care, and oftentimes in private, I was throwing a tantrum in front of poor Chris.

If I had had the Let Them Theory back then, I would have been able toLet Them be friends. I would have been able to rise above the situation. I would have taken responsibility for understanding and processing my emotions in a healthy way, like a mature adult. But at the time, I had no idea how to deal with my emotions or what I was feeling. It all felt like a personal attack. They became the villain in my story.

Why? I’ll tell you: It’s easier to blame someone else, and sit in your anger, than it is to take responsibility for yourself. I was making the single biggest mistake that you make in adult friendships: I was expecting to be friends forever, expecting to be included, and expecting it to be easy.

This story illustrates that proximity really does play a massive role in forming and maintaining adult friendships, and that is not always in your control. The story also illustrates how energy can destroy a friendship, and that is in your control. This situation happened when I was in my late 30s and early 40s, but it can happen in any stage of your life. At some point, you’re going go from being on the inside of a friend group to feeling like you’re on the outside. This is normal.

Because as people come and go, and scatter in different directions, and change their lives, and grow into who they are meant to become, every single one of the three pillars of friendship changes: proximity, timing, and energy. And that is why adult friendships require flexibility. That’s why it’s usually not personal when people come in and out of your life.

Let Them.

“I’ve Let Them. But Now I Have No Friends.”

In researching this book, and analyzing the experiences of thousands of people around the world who have been using the theory, one of the most difficult experiences people have is concluding that the people you think are your friends are not your friends at all.

As you sayLet Them, people will reveal exactly who they are, and they reveal where you stand in their life. You’ll find yourself using the Let Them Theory a lot with your friends, and you will start to see many relationships where the effort you’ve been putting in is one-sided.

You’re the one who calls, and when you stop calling, no call comes back. You’re the one who always reaches out and makes all the plans, and when you stop making the plans, suddenly no one is reaching out and inviting you. It is painful to see the truth that you’re the one putting in the effort. When that happens, and it will, I want you to come back to the three pillars of friendship: proximity, timing, and energy.

When a friendship fades, or someone reveals who they are, one of those three pillars is off. Maybe more. Before you feel sorry for yourself, and start isolating, or getting angry, look at the facts.

Have you or your friend changed or grown in new ways? Have the patterns and schedules of your lives changed? Are you physically bumping into them as much as you used to? Do you feel like the timing of your life is still the same, or are you in different chapters? Has some major change happened in one of your lives that has shifted the energy between you?

Asking yourself these questions is really important, because we tend to default to making ourselves wrong, or blame the other person and then decide the friendship is over.

Before you walk away from a friendship, assume good intent on the other person’s part. Sometimes, you’re just friends with someone who never makes plans, or is extremely introverted, or who has a lot of heavy or demanding things going on in their life. It’s not that they are ghosting you; it’s that they are exhausted by the chapter of life they are in. It’s not personal that they’ve become distant. And the fact that you still reach out may be the lifeline that they need.

In doing the research for this book, I noticed a lot of comments from people specifically upset that their friends are not texting them back. I do not want you to use the theory to blow up your friendships because someone is not responding as often as you want them to.

Friendships are not a tit for tat. Do not keep score. Reach out to people because you want to. But don’t expect a response. How quickly or how often someone responds is not a sign of how much they care about you. It’s more likely an indication of how overwhelmed they may be. Everyone has a ton going on, and 99 percent of the time you have no clue what someone else is dealing with, so with friends especially, don’t judge when you don’t hear back, assume good intent.

Let Them Not Text Back

I can share personally that these last four years of my life have been the most overwhelming and demanding years ever, and it has had a huge impact on my friendships. After living right outside of Boston for 26 years, we moved to a small, rural town in a different state where I didn’t know anyone my age.

At the same time, my company was going through a period of hyper growth, and I have never managed anything in business like this. My number one commitment has been spending time with my family and getting settled into our new community. So, any free time I have, I have poured into family and trying to make new friends in this small town.

I am sure there are many of my old friends who believe that I have ghosted them, or neglected the relationships, or thought that I’m a bad friend. And from their point of view, they are right.

It’s not that I don’t care. It’s that I’ve been focusing my time and energy on different priorities these past three years, and have not made it a priority to proactively reach out to my old group of friends on a consistent basis. And that’s okay.

When somebody “loses touch,” it doesn’t mean you’ve lost a friend. I hate the fact that a lot of people think that just because someone is distant, they are now your enemy.Let Them be distant. Just because they are not in front of your face doesn’t mean you’re against them. Make it a habit to just cheer for people and wish them the best.

I have found with some of my friendships that people will “disappear” for a few years and it turns out they were caring for an aging parent, or a child who was struggling, or were consumed by an unhealthy relationship, or a really demanding career. It had nothing to do with you. They are still your friend.

I say this, because I do not want you using the theory to make assumptions and to blow up perfectly amazing relationships because you haven’t been flexible and allowed people to come in and out of your life, based on what is going on in your life and in theirs. All it takes is one text or phone call, and oftentimes, you’re right back in it.

As I come out of these crazy busy four years, and I am now settled in our new house, and our Boston studios are up and running, and I’ve spent a lot more time with my aging parents, and we are now empty nesters, a new chapter has begun. And in this one, reprioritizing friendships is at the top of the list.

If you’ve ever received a call or text from someone you’ve lost touch with, it’s one of the greatest surprises in the world. And there are people in my life that I haven’t spoken to in several years, that if I had coffee with them, we would fall right back into a deep and loving connection. And I’m excited to create that for myself.Let Me.

The connection you have with another person never actually breaks. It’s just the proximity and timing that makes you lose touch with them. So, it’s never too late to reconnect with old friends and this is completely in your control.

Let Them will help you be flexible, be compassionate, and allow people to come and go.Let Me will remind you to stop sitting around expecting invitations, or assuming ill intent. It will motivate you to take the lead on reaching out to old friends, and put yourself out there to create new ones.

The Let Them Theory will help you find your people, even if you are starting from scratch. When you use it, you will create some of the most amazing friendships of your life. In fact, you’ll soon see that you haven’t even met some of your favorite people yet. Isn’t that exciting, to live your life knowing that there are so many incredible people and connections and experiences, just waiting for you to be the one to go first and say hello?

So let’s use the theory to go find them. I just did this at the age of 54 when we moved to a new community. I’m going to tell you the whole story and you and I are going to really focus on theLet Me part of friendship.