[CHAPTER 13]

[How to Create the Best Friendships of Your Life]

When we moved to our new town, I felt so lonely. I was brand-new to the area. I knew no one my age. And I was miserable.

At some point in your life you are going to experience this exact same thing. Every life change creates changes in your friendships. You’ll experience it if you go through a breakup or divorce and people pick sides. You’ll experience it if you or a loved one go through a major struggle and people either have no idea how to support you or are uncomfortable, so they distance themselves. You’ll experience this when you have to move for your career or education.

And even if you’re super excited about the change—you’re going to your dream school or moving to your dream city—the reality is that, when you get there, you’ll have no friends. The first time you may have experienced this in your life was when you went to college. You get to college and you expect to meet all your best friends right away, and that is not what happens. Everyone is nervous and latches onto the first person they meet and they try to form a group.

Within a week, it feels like everyone is already in a friend group. But, if you think about your college or even high school friend group, by the time you graduated your friend group changed a lot. That’s because it takes time to find your people.

Give It A Year

When my daughter went to college, she called me crying all the time, saying, “I’m at the wrong school. My people are not here. I think I need to transfer.” And I constantly told her to hang up the phone, go to the cafeteria, and ask to sit with someone who looked interesting. “You have to put yourself out there, and most importantly, you must give it a year.”

She hated that advice. She called me all yearlong. She felt so lonely and desperate. And the two friends she had made early on felt the exact same way. (Hi Lexi and Micaela!) To their credit, they all kept putting themselves out there their entire first year.

I know my daughter, Sawyer, was asking to sit with people, DMing people online to get lunch, she joined a million clubs, tried out for the club lacrosse team (got cut), went to events on campus, but nothing clicked. It really took her a full year of trying. And then, in the last few weeks of school, she met one of her now closest friends, Mary Margaret, who then introduced her (and her two friends) to seven other girls who to this day are her people. She really had to give it a year.

And when I moved, somehow I forgot my own advice. I needed to be reminded it would take a year of trying. Within a week of moving, I was convinced that I had made a huge mistake. I felt bad for myself for an entire year. I cried all the time. And I was convinced I would never find a person that I would connect with or relate to. But what was I doing during that first year?

Nothing. Sitting in my house, feeling lonely.

I was not putting myself out there at all. I was not looking for opportunities to connect. I played sad music and felt bad for myself. I cried and complained to my husband. I was closed off. And I made the mistake of expecting friendship to fall out of the sky and land in my lap. It doesn’t work like that.

I’m sure you’ve had an experience like this too. Maybe you moved, or changed jobs, or went through a breakup, or took care of a family member who was struggling, or became an empty nester and felt like you were starting over. In those moments, I’m sure you felt pretty lonely. This is normal.

And even if you have great friends who are far away, you feel alone if you don’t have any friends near you. It got so bad for me that I was on a walk one day with my two adult daughters, sobbing about how I had no friends, and how I hated where we lived.

We passed by the house of a woman I had met once six months prior, and I mentioned to my daughters that I had met the woman who lived in the house and she seemed like she could be cool. And my daughters forced me to walk up her driveway, right then, and knock on her door and say hello.

I didn’t feel like it. I was really scared to walk up the driveway. I felt like a loser.Has it really come to this?!

Yes, it had. When I really think about it, this was the exact same thing I told my daughter Sawyer to do when she called me crying freshman year of college.

It was embarrassing to knock on her door. I could feel my heart racing as I heard the dogs barking and footsteps coming. And when the door swung open, it wasn’t the woman I had met; it was her husband.

I asked, “Is Mia here?” And then blurted out, “I met her a while ago, I’m brand-new, I’m really lonely, I thought I would stop and say hello. . .” My daughters chimed in, “Our mom needs friends. She thought your wife was cool, and so we made her come say hello.”

He was so gracious, invited us in, gave us a tour of the house. We met the dogs, Mia was thrilled we stopped by, we exchanged numbers, and one week later, she and I were walking that very same loop together. And that was the beginning of turning this part of my life around and learning that adult friendship isn’t something that happens. It’s something you create.

I am happy to report, from that painful knock on Mia’s door, and a hundred other awkward little moments—introducing myself to someone at a coffee shop, pulling into a field at a local flower farm to tell the owners that their flowers were incredible, saying hello to the person next to me at an exercise class—I was able to slowly but surely create my own new little community.

Over the course of the year, I started feeling like I not only knew the familiar faces in my small community, but by getting to know them, I found my people. This is why you need to focus onLet Me.

The Habit of “Going First”

Let Me be the first to introduce myself.Let Me be the first to say, “I’m new here. How long have you lived here?”Let Me be the first to say, “If you ever want to go for a walk, let me know. Here is my number.”

Slowly but surely, one awkward conversation at a time, I not only met my people—I found some of my most favorite people I’ve ever met in my life in this small rural town. And if I can make amazing friends in my 50s, you can make amazing friends too, wherever you live, at whatever age you are.

It’s never too late because everyone wants and needs friendship in their life. Even if people already have their “friend group,” there is always room for someone you truly click with.

All you have to do is go first.

Be the one to say hi to whoever is around you. It makes all the difference. I didn’t do that for a long time. For the year that I sat in my house crying, even when I went out, I was closed off. I would walk into a coffee shop, see the same people, and I knew no one’s name. Because I didn’t ask. That’s why I didn’t know anybody. I kept to myself. I didn’t talk to anyone.

The second I started “going first,” I walked into the same coffee shop that I had most days for an entire year, and as the cashier rang me up, I said, “I’m Mel. What’s your name?”

“Kevin.”

When he handed me the coffee, I said “Thanks, Kevin.”

So when I sat down with my coffee, I immediately opened up my phone and created a new contact file for the coffee shop. In the notes section, I added “Kevin the tall barista with a beard.” I did it right away because I was afraid I would forget his name if I waited until I got into the car.

Next I turned to the young couple who I had seen morning after morning at the coffee shop, but never spoken to before. “Hey guys, I see you here a lot; I just moved to the area. I wanted to introduce myself. I’m Mel, what’s your name?”

Gregory and Jordan. Couldn’t have been nicer. I immediately put their names in my coffee shop contact, under Kevin’s name, in the notes section, with a short description: “Cute married couple. Moved from Los Angeles. Baby is adorable.” Then I asked them how long they lived in the area. Turns out they had just moved here a year ago too.

Next I asked them what they did. You want to know something crazy? Gregory works in the podcast business. Jordan is a psychologist. What are the odds? And to think I spent a year sitting ten feet away from two people who I had so much in common with. What I was doing in the coffee shop goes way deeper than making small talk. I was starting to create a community for myself.

The warmth you offer others always finds its way back to you. Simply knowing all the names of the familiar faces around you will make you feel more connected to where you live. Plus, the more people you meet, the faster you will find the people you truly connect with.

And there are even more benefits to this. By going first, you create a connection that has a huge impact on your well being and happiness. And it is often overlooked. Researchers say the kinds of people you sit next to at the coffee shop, or stand next to in the elevator in your building, are not strangers—they are “weak ties.”

These people are superpowerful and an important part of your life. They can become a foundation you build that lifts you up in your day-to-day routine. Learn their names. Say hello. Pet their dogs. Put descriptions in your contacts so that you can refresh your memory before you walk into the coffee shop tomorrow.

One conversation at a time, I started creating my social scaffolding, this network of people around me that I knew by first name: “Hi Kevin,” “Hi Gregory,” “Hi Jordan,” which made me feel a little less lonely.

It’s also how I met one of my now closest friends, David. We were living a mile away from each other for a year, and we never met because we were both sitting alone in our houses feeling sorry for ourselves. We started as a hello in a coffee shop, and now he is one of my most favorite people in the entire world, and he and his husband have become like family.

If I can do it, so can you. The Let Them Theory is going to help you take this on.

Will some people be a little awkward? Yes.Let Them. Will most people be warm and receptive? Yes.Let Them.

Creating friendship really is about theLet Me part. And here are some simple things I did to make myself go first:

1. Compliment people everywhere you go.

If you love their nail color, tell them. If you love their outfit, tell them. If you like their socks, say it! People love to be complimented because they feel seen and appreciated. And it’s a foolproof way to break the ice with someone without feeling weird.

2. Be curious.

Ask them what they’re reading. Ask them what they ordered. People love to talk about themselves. And even if it doesn’t go any further than the other person saying thank you, you get points for being the one who goes first.

3. Smile and say hello to anyone and everyone you pass or meet.

Being a warm and approachable person is a skill. If you practice it, it becomes a way of life. When you move through life with a welcoming spirit, life opens up to you

4. Do this without expectation.

The reason to be warm to strangers is because simply creating connections with other people will improve your life. The warmth you give to others always finds its way back to you.

Trust that the more you do this without expecting someone to invite you out to dinner, or someone to immediately click, the faster the right people find their way to you. You can think about it in terms of energy. You are opening up your energy, knowing that the people that are truly meant to be in your life are going to match it naturally.

Loneliness is real. But you’re not stuck there. It’s hard to put yourself out there, but it’s harder to stay in your house and feel lonely. I’d rather have an awkward moment than continue to feel lonely. And I know you would too.

And finally, give it a year.

Building a network of warm connections that make you feel like you are part of a community is a vital layer of friendship as an adult. It was shocking to me how simply starting to connect with all these people who were all around me made me realize that I was the one who was disconnected from the potential of friendship.

Creating Community Anywhere

I was the one who kept myself from connecting with the community that was right there around me. By isolating and separating myself, I had closed myself off to the community that was waiting for me. Your soulmate or favorite friend could very well be sitting two tables away from you at the coffee shop today.

Don’t expect them to find you. Go first and you’ll find them. And if you really want to accelerate your ability to meet people that you’re going to click with, try these things that my husband and I did:

1. Look for events and group classes that interest you.

It could be anything: CrossFit, yoga, running, walking, cooking, painting, improv, or furniture refinishing. This will put you in proximity with people that have a similar interest in a particular topic. This will make it more likely for you to find people that you have things in common with.

2. When you click with someone, take it out of the class.

You go first, and ask them to grab a cup of coffee or take a walk. The more people you do this with, the more comfortable you will feel inviting someone you have just met to do things and the faster you will find your people.

3. As you meet more people, look for events that are interesting and reach out to the people you’ve been hanging out with to see if anyone wants to go as a group.

Maybe it’s a concert, or a lecture, or a volunteer day. One way I did this was creating a walking group with one woman I met at a hair salon. Then she brought a friend one day. Slowly but surely I started inviting other people I had met. Every Wednesday, we meet at 6:30 a.m. to walk a particular loop in the neighborhood.

Three years later, it’s still going strong. The text chain has so many people on it, we can’t add any more. And new people keep showing up all the time. This is another example of why it takes an entire year.

But walking is just one example. I have invited groups of people to meet up and listen to jazz at a local inn, to go to a wreath-making class, to go to a drag queen bingo event, and to volunteer to help a local farmer dig up dahlia bulbs.

My husband, Chris, also used this approach. He joined a gym, signed up for a golf league, and took a bunch of paddle tennis clinics. He got involved at the local ski mountain. He became a hospice volunteer. All of these things led him to meet people with similar interests.

Chris then looked for fun things happening in town or nearby and invited a new friend to do it with him. He joined a team to compete in a men’s ski race. He started a Tuesday-morning sunrise “climb the mountain and then ski down” group—they meet in a parking lot, the word has spread, and now on any given Tuesday you’ll see 15–20 people of all ages, and from surrounding towns, hiking up the mountain together.

What does that tell you?

That slowly but surely you can make more friends—and that every single one of us is looking for opportunities to connect with other people and find new friends.

Instead of sitting around hoping that someone else starts a hiking group, or a walking club, or a book club, you go first.

Using the Let Them Theory, you’ll not only make better friendships—you’ll be a better friend too. This matters. Your relationships create a good life. Good friends make you happier, healthier, and bring your life meaning; and friendships are one of the things you’ll cherish most as you go through your life.

The Let Them Theory will help you create the friendships you deserve, which are going to require you to be flexible. Remember, friends are going to come and go in your life. Stop expecting the invitation. Stop gripping so tightly when things start to shift. And start taking responsibility for how you show up.Let Them will help you be more flexible, not take things personally, and allow the right people to come in, and let the wrong people to leave.

It will also help you navigate this very awkward period where you are making new friends. If you say hello at a coffee shop and they aren’t very friendly,Let Them. If their calendar is so busy they can’t find time to go for a walk,Let Them. If they cancel plans this weekend because they’ve had a long week at work,Let Them. If they fall in love, or have a baby, and you are no longer a priority,Let Them. If they move away, and start a different chapter,Let Them. If they stop returning your calls,Let Them. If they are prioritizing other friendships or work,Let Them. If the timing, proximity, or energy is off,Let Them.

People are going to come and go in your life. And the more flexible you are, the more they do. It’s such a beautiful thing toLet Them. Focus onLet Me, because that is what’s in your control.

Let Me be understanding.Let Me make an effort.Let Me check in without an expectation, but just because I care.Let Me make the plans.Let Me trust when the energy feels off.Let Me call or text if someone crosses my mind.Let Me act with the belief that some of my most favorite friends I haven’t met yet.

Let Me go first.

So let’s summarize how to master adult friendship. You have been approaching adult friendship the same way you did as a kid—you just expected it to happen. The Let Them Theory empowers you to stop expecting friendship to happen and to take responsibility for creating it.

1. Problem: The Great Scattering happened and you didn’t realize it. You have been approaching friendship the wrong way ever since. You have expected to be included. You have expected to be around your friends all the time. You have expected the text back. That expectation has led to feelings of disconnection, isolation, and uncertainty in approaching new or existing friendships.
2. Truth: There are three pillars to adult friendship: proximity, timing, and energy. It’s your responsibility to understand these three pillars and adopt a flexible mentality and proactive approach to your friendships. You have so much power in your relationships and some of your most favorite people are just waiting for you to go first.
3. Solution: Using the Let Them Theory, start creating connections without any expectations. You go first. Start saying hello to people around you and building that feeling of community wherever you live today. Sign up for that class. Create the book club. Send the text. One awkward conversation at a time, you will find your people. This approach empowers you to create the most incredible community around you, filled with friendships that are meaningful, supportive, and aligned with who you are.

When you sayLet Them, you release the need to cling to friendships that no longer serve you, making space for connections that truly matter. When you sayLet Me, you take charge of your social life, reaching out, initiating, and cultivating the kind of friendships that reflect your values and bring you happiness.

It’s time to stop waiting and start creating—building the best friendships of your life and surrounding yourself with a community that uplifts and supports you. You have so many laughs, memories to make, and incredible adventures in your future.

It’s all there waiting for you to reach out and create it.